"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I have not always been overly confident in myself. My mother would deny this fact because she claims that as a child, I had a ton of confidence but I promise all who knew me then, it was an act. I might have come across as a lion but inside I was nothing more than a mere mouse. As I got older that lack of confidence only grew. I truly thought I could not do anything other than cook, clean, give birth and help with homework. Then my world changed.
Sometimes life will throw us quite the curve ball but I am learning that there are reasons for those moments and they are for the sole purpose of making us stronger. In the past year, I have experienced my share of personal heartache. I actually thought it would destroy me until something got a hold of me. One of the lessons I have learned is that nothing passes through my Heavenly Father's hand, whether good or bad, that He does not know about. God is not evil or vindictive but He allows bad things to happen to good people in order to remind us that He is in control and to reign us back in if we have wandered off. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn in order to survive. It will most definitely be the greatest life lesson I will EVER learn.
Through this time, God has used many different methods to speak to me. I believe that God meets us where we are and uses methods to teach us things in a way that is fitting to our individuality. For me, He uses music a lot. When there are big decisions to make or I am dealing with trials and need encouragement, He always uses a song.
This past year, I set out on a journey to find a church home for me as well as my kids. This is not always an easy task, especially when you have five kids and want to please them all and you want them to want to go to church. I also wanted to find at place that we could call home. I have not had that in a church in a very long time and over the past year have realized how important it is when dealing with struggles, to have people who love you to walk beside you. I have not had that and it has made dealing with stuff very hard but has taught me an incredible lesson in searching for what God has for me.
Last Sunday, during the service, we sang a song that I had heard a couple of years ago that had really spoken to me and in fact, changed my walk in a profound way. I had gone to my worship pastor at the time and suggested that we do the song. It never happened. Last Sunday, the first two chords were played, and I knew exactly what song it was. My heart leapt from my chest and I was completely overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit. He started working on me immediately.
Yesterday was my first Sunday getting to take all of the kids. This was the test. I felt certain that this church was where I was supposed to be but I knew their reaction would confirm to me my decision. On the drive to church, we were listening to a little Chris Tomlin. My baby girl's favorite song is Sing, Sing, Sing and so we were all singing away as we made our way to church. Upon entering the building, I went to sign in the kids. As we were about to walk to their classes I heard the first two chords of that song (Sing, Sing, Sing). My little ones eye lit up and she looked at me with the biggest grin on her face. I walked her into the sanctuary and she beamed as the band played and the congregation was singing the words to that song. We stood there and sang with them. She sang at the top of her little lungs and danced around. It was the most amazing moment. It was truly a God moment.
I took all the kids to their classes, worried about them and it being their first time but they all entered without hesitation and so I made my way to service. All I can say was that the service was amazing and left me so very overwhelmed. I knew in that moment, I wanted to be a part of this body of believers.
I knew this was my place but now I needed the reassurance of my kids. On the ride home, they each shared the things they learned and even the names of new friends they had already made. They were little chatter boxes and so excited. My six year old wanted to know how long church lasted. I told him that they had been in their class for an hour and half. The ten and nine year old chimed in with "no way". I was a little taken aback but they let me know that it did not feel like they were even there thirty minutes.
I have found a joy and peace in Him on a new level. I have known joy in the Lord in my life but never to this extent. It is truly amazing that when your eyes and your heart are totally on Him, how your perspective changes. I used to be afraid of things, but now I have no fear in the future because He has shown me that He truly is in control, which allows a confidence that brings about such great peace. This peace then allows me to move forward where He becomes the focus and purpose of my life. My life has become a new adventure and I am so excited to see where He takes me.
In case you were wondering, the song from last Sunday was Everlasting. Click the link and it will take you to the song on YouTube.